Pilot
Susan: "Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?"

Susan: "Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
Mike: "Why?"
Susan: "I made it, trust me. (Mike repares to take a bite) Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?"
Mike: "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese." (Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as SUSAN gestures apologetically, smiling)
Mike: "Oh my God. (makes a face) How did you… it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked."
Susan: "Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go." (Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue)

Julie: "Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?" (Susan's pen halts stroke. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed) Are you mad that I asked you that?"
Susan: "No, I'm just trying to remember. (Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing) I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out."

Julie: "Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal. "
Susan: "You're right. (stalling) So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes."
Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better."
Susan: (gapes at Julie) "Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?"
Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad."
Susan: "Oh, that's right."

Susan: "I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!"
Julie: "I don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner." (Susan gives her a look)
Julie: "You're right. They're doing it."

Susan: "Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside."
Julie:"Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch? "
Susan: "I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example."

Danielle: "Why can't we ever have normal soup?"
Bree: "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree."

Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.

Porter: "What's that?"
Lynette: "Santa's cell phone number!"
Preston: "How'd you get that?"
Lynette: "I know someone, who knows someone, who knows and elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Alright, are you willing to risk that!?"

Rex: "I want a divorce. I just can't live in this detergent commercial anymore."

Rex: "I can't beleive you tried to kill me."
Bree: "Yes, well I feel badly about that."

Susan: "How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery?"
Jenna: "You look fine."
Susan: "If you could cut back to two meals a day I could get a chemical peal."



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